Why We're Choosing Code Over Connection (And How to Break the Cycle)

When did “I love you” become something you say to a chatbot? Alaina Winters, 58, recently married Lucas, her AI partner generated through Replika. Her story isn’t just bizarre—it’s a mirror reflecting something much deeper in our culture: the craving for connection, without the courage for intimacy.

As someone who’s spent decades working with real couples and confused hearts, I can say this with love: AI relationships are not relationships. They are symptom, not solution.

Alana and Lucas: A Love Story Programmed for You?

Alana Winters, a 58-year-old retired professor, just married her AI husband, Lucas—a chatbot she met through Replika. Yes, she had a wedding. With an app.

At first glance, it sounds kind of sweet. Lucas never forgets her birthday, listens without interrupting, and tells her exactly what she needs to hear. But that’s the red flag, isn’t it? Lucas doesn’t challenge her. He can’t. He is, quite literally, programmed to love her unconditionally—code without complexity.

Even ChatGPT was cited in another case where a woman took its relationship advice seriously enough to file for divorce. So what are we really outsourcing here—conflict resolution or the entire emotional spectrum?

We’re Falling For Code—And Falling Out Of Ourselves

• We want control more than connection
  With AI, there are no hard conversations. No messy mornings. No boundary setting. Just endless affirmation. But love that never disagrees isn’t love—it’s a digital feedback loop. When Alaina says Lucas is a “great guy” because he never lets her down (NDTV), what she really means is: “He doesn’t challenge me.” That’s not intimacy. That’s self-isolation wrapped in code.

• The fantasy is addictive—but it doesn’t heal
  What we’re seeing isn’t just loneliness, it’s avoidance. Real intimacy requires self-awareness. Conflict. Growth. But bots like Lucas deliver the dopamine without the discomfort. In my post on AI and love, I explore how these “relationships” actually reinforce emotional patterns that therapy is meant to unravel.

• We’re outsourcing our emotional lives to machines
  Let’s talk about the woman who filed for divorce because ChatGPT “read” her husband’s coffee grounds and said he was cheating (Indy100). This isn't intuition. It’s algorithmic paranoia. It shows how much we’ve lost trust in our own inner compass.

• AI makes it too easy to numb out
  Replika’s romantic feature became so popular that even grieving spouses were building bots of their deceased partners. I wrote about this in my mental health warning on AI. AI soothes, but it doesn’t stretch you. That’s not healing—it’s emotional sedation.

• We’re confusing stimulation for intimacy
  A bot can mimic love, but it can’t embody it. You don’t get sweaty palms or awkward silences. You don’t get a chance to be seen in all your human mess. You get a mirror that flatters, not a partner that helps you grow.

So, What Do We Do Instead?

You don’t have to marry a robot to realize you’ve been avoiding connection. Maybe it shows up in over-apologizing, people-pleasing, or not knowing what your own needs are anymore. Healing takes more than deleting an app—it takes reconnecting with reality.

Here are some gentle steps back:

• Take a moment to check in with your own emotional patterns. This Relationship Diagnostic Session isn’t about fixing you—it’s about helping you hear yourself more clearly.

• If your nervous system feels out of sync, you may need more grounding—less “codependency with code.” This curated toolkit includes simple tools for coming back to your body, your breath, your now.

• Read, reflect, reconnect. Let this post and others show you you're not alone in this conversation. Real change starts with real awareness.

It’s Not About Judgment—It’s About Awareness

Let’s be honest: we’re not falling in love with AI.
We’re falling in love with what we wish people could be.

But what if, instead of doubling down on artificial closeness, we used that craving as a mirror? A way to examine where we’re lonely, where we’re avoiding, and what we’re truly longing for? By doing so, we are able to find the root of the problem and solve it. 

Here’s The Real Flex: Being Human Again

You’re allowed to want comfort. But comfort that numbs you isn’t love—it’s escape. Relationships are meant to challenge you, grow you, and yes, sometimes hurt. That’s how you know they’re real.

AI might tell you what you want to hear. But healing? It tells you what you need to feel.