Self-Worth Isn’t a Performance (So Why Are You Still Performing?)

Jul 29, 2025

You were never meant to earn your worth.
But somewhere between your fifth gold star and your latest filtered selfie, you started to believe that love, validation, and even your right to exist had to be proven.

We’ve turned self-worth into a performance—and it’s exhausting.

If you’ve ever felt like you had to keep people happy, always be "on," or constantly prove your value (especially in dating or work), you’re not alone. But here’s the truth: your self-worth is not conditional. It doesn’t rise and fall with productivity, perfection, or how many texts you get back.

It exists because you exist. Period.

Where Did We Learn to Perform?

From an early age, many of us internalized the idea that we needed to perform to be loved—whether that meant getting good grades, being the “good” child, or hiding parts of ourselves to fit in. It’s a cycle reinforced by social media, toxic work culture, and dating norms that reward detachment over vulnerability.

According to PositivePsychology.com, people with low self-worth often tie their value to external outcomes: approval from others, achievement, or appearance. Over time, this creates a dangerous feedback loop: the more you try to prove your worth, the less grounded you feel in it.

And here’s the kicker—even when we achieve the external things we think will validate us, the emptiness returns.

Why Chasing Approval is a Losing Game

Psychologist Karen Nimmo writes in Psychology Today, “Our sense of self-worth isn’t something we need to chase or earn—it’s something we need to remember.”

But that’s hard to do when everything around us screams: "Be better. Be prettier. Be more successful. Be less emotional."

This is the lie that Dr. Etel Leit unpacks in her book, UnAddicted to You: so many of us are addicted to love that only arrives when we’re performing. But real, healthy love? It doesn’t need a script. It meets you where you are—even on your messy, unfiltered days.

What AI Can Teach Us About Self-Worth

Ironically, even Artificial Intelligence is holding up a mirror to our insecurities.

In a recent blog, Dr. Leit explores how people are using AI tools like ChatGPT to chase validation and rehearse perfection—before even showing up in real relationships.

We’re outsourcing confidence to technology. Why? Because we’ve been taught that who we really are isn’t enough.

Spoiler: it is.

So How Do You Reclaim Your Worth?

Here’s where you start:

Unlearn the performance. Let go of the belief that you have to earn love. Self-worth doesn’t require a resume.
Recognize your patterns. Are you people-pleasing? Over-apologizing? Shrinking yourself in dating or work? These are signs you’re performing, not living.
Practice self-acceptance. This isn’t toxic positivity. It’s choosing to treat yourself like someone who’s already enough.
Create emotional safety. Surround yourself with people who value authenticity over perfection.

The UNCW Counseling Center offers this: “You are worthy simply because you exist.” It’s radical, and it’s true.

Final Thought: Your Worth Isn't a Script

You don't need to rehearse your value.
You don’t need to stay small to stay liked.
You don’t need to keep auditioning for the life—and love—you already deserve.

You’re not on a stage. You’re a human being. And you’re enough, exactly as you are.