3 Ways to Stop Repeating Toxic Love

Why Do I Keep Ending Up in the Same Relationship?

It’s like dating déjà vu: different name, same pain.
You start off hopeful. You ignore the little red flags. You over give. You feel anxious but call it love.
Then it ends—and you wonder: How did I get here again?

You’re not cursed.
You’re conditioned.

The good news? You can unlearn it.

How We Repeat What Hurts (And Call It Love)

Most of us repeat relationship patterns not because we’re broken, but because we’re familiar with dysfunction. We mistake unpredictability for passion. We confuse people pleasing with intimacy. We call inconsistency “chemistry.”

It’s not your fault. But it is your responsibility to stop the cycle.

As I write in UnAddicted to You, we often settle for relationships that mimic the emotional patterns we learned early on—especially if we had to work for love or shrink to receive it.

And these patterns don’t just hurt your heart—they affect your brain and body. According to Prime Behavioral Health, toxic relationships can increase anxiety, weaken emotional regulation, and even reduce your ability to trust. It’s not “just drama.” It’s neurological damage.

3 Ways to Stop Repeating Toxic Love

1. Notice the Pattern, Don’t Just Name It

You’ve probably said, “I always attract the wrong people.” But noticing why is where healing begins.

Ask yourself:

• Do I feel anxious more than at peace with this person?

• Am I constantly explaining myself, justifying their actions, or “managing” their emotions?

• Do I feel like I have to earn their love?

These are signs of a toxic relationship dynamic—not destiny.

And the damage runs deeper than emotional pain. A recent study in PMC found that victims of intimate partner abuse reported experiencing not just verbal manipulation, but high rates of physical, emotional, and even sexual abuse—patterns that often go unnoticed until they’re deeply embedded.

2. Learn to Sit With Your Needs (Without Shame)

If you were raised to keep the peace or not “want too much,” expressing your needs might feel selfish. It’s not. It’s called self confidence in relationships.

Try saying:

• “I need emotional consistency.”

• “I feel disconnected when there’s no follow-up.”

• “I’m not comfortable with breadcrumb communication.”

Communicating your needs isn't dramatic—it's direct. And the right person won’t make you feel guilty for wanting to feel safe.

If people pleasing is part of your pattern (no judgment, I’ve been there too), check out this guide to stop people pleasing and say yes to yourself. You don’t have to keep abandoning yourself to keep others close.

Need help identifying your relationship cycles? My Relationship Diagnostic Session helps you understand exactly where your patterns start—and how to end them.

3. Be the Love You Want to Attract

Want real connection? Then model it.
Show up with the consistency, kindness, and vulnerability you’re craving.

Attracting love doesn’t mean becoming perfect.
It means being present—especially with yourself.

This step is the most powerful because it rewrites your story. You no longer wait for someone else to validate you. You start giving yourself the love you used to chase.

As Talkspace’s guide on toxic patterns says: “Patterns don’t change until we stop participating in them.”

Ready to Break the Cycle?

Here’s what I know:
The problem isn’t that you’re “too much.”
It’s that you’ve been giving too much to people who don’t know how to hold you.

You don’t need to play small, stay silent, or fix anyone.

You need to trust that love can feel like peace—not tension.
That safety is sexy.
That you get the love you deserve—when you stop settling for less.

 “Real love starts when you stop repeating the relationship that hurt you most.”